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Friday, September 22, 2006

The Battle Begins... again...

It has begun again. At full speed, I believe. The curtain fell again on another episode of my life. Surely, there will be those who might argue that this is perhaps the finest time in my life, and that I shouldn't let other things bother me. But the battle begins again and there's no alternative but to fight a good fight, however uncomfortable, and to realize that the rest of my life awaits with the same intensity and madness. This is uncontrollable. It reminds me of that famous passage from "Moby Dick." Ahab reflects:

"What is it, what nameless, inscrutable, unearthly thing is it; what cozzening, hidden lord and master, and cruel, remorseless emperor commands me; that against all natural lovings and longings, I so keep pushing, and crowding, and jamming myself on all the time; recklessly making me ready to do what in my own proper, natural heart, I durst not so much as dare? Is Ahab, Ahab? Is it I, God, or who, that lifts this arm? But if the great sun move not of himself; but is as an errand-boy in heaven; nor one single star can revolve, but by some invisible power; how then can this one small heart beat; this one small brain think thoughts; unless God does that beating, does that thinking, does that living, and not I."

This is hopeful, yet full of fear and anxiety. There is so much we cannot control. Leaving it to God might be the best alternative, really, but the human condition makes us believe we can do it on our own. What is it, really, that overtakes my brain with so much absoluteness? And much like Ahab's behavior, it commands me. When it comes like today it does its best damage. It binds me with unbreakable chains to the reality of not enjoying anything, a parallel reality nonetheless but one that affects me directly. I am tired of living like this; so much to be happy about and irreversably sad at the same time.


At 11:44 AM, Blogger The Muse said...

In so many ways, I think I understand just how you feel. I hope that what you go through, what you experience now is better than before. And ultimately I hope that the change in your life whatever it is; is for the best :)

Thanks for the birthday wishes :)


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